As our boat came in to dock, the camping site’s dogs snarled and barked, not being exactly welcoming. As I stepped off the boat, I extended my hand to one of the agitated dogs, trying to make friends, and he almost bit my fingers off.
The owner stepped up to show me how to approach the dog with the back of my hand instead of the open palm I had come with, because that is apparently universal dog language to signal that a human being comes in peace.
And it worked; the moment the dog sniffed the back of my hand, it sat down obediently to be petted. You must be wondering: ‘Isn’t this supposed to be Sex Talk?’
It is. I only remembered the dogs analogy after a conversation I had with a married couple that happens to be my close friends.
After laughing over a joke on WhatsApp that showed a husband and wife lying in bed with a barbed wire fence between them and the wife armed with a club, daring her man to cross the boundary and touch her, we started talking about this infamous ‘I’m not in the mood’ statement.
We soon agreed that just like those Banda dogs, it is all in the approach.
“A husband can cause himself rejection by just poking-poking his wife out of the blue,” Benny, the husband, said. “Sometimes ‘I am not in the mood’ does not mean she does not want sex. It means the husband never did his homework and does not know his wife well.”
Wives too get stressed and jumping at her like a prankster from a bush may earn you an elbow in the ribs for your troubles. Benny reasoned, if husbands made it their business to understand the kind of day their wives just had, they would prepare more for their seductive “poking-poking” (since in these parts of the world, a lot of the sex is initiated by husbands).
For a wife, her children’s school fees being unpaid may be enough to evoke taekwondo moves in bed when you touch her, “yet you could have been in discussion with her throughout the day about how you plan to resolve the fees issue; you could send her a loving text message to lighten her mood, or just take care of the stressor altogether”.
As Benny reeled off how wives need to feel comfortable and secure before enjoying sex, I cast an eye at his wife of 17 years, and she affirmed: “Yeah, don’t start poking me in the ribs when I don’t even know how I’m going to retouch my hair later…”
Instead of your poke feeling ticklish and seductive, it will feel like a spear-jab to her ribcage and the response may not be welcoming, either. Learn to reduce rejection by presenting the ‘back of your hand’ as opposed to your ‘open palm’!
Your approach and preparation will determine whether you get some sugar or a loud jeer for your efforts. Husbands often come home after a stressful day in the current bad economy expecting some love and comfort in their wives’ warm bosoms, but find the wives rolling their eyes and busy demarcating the bed with ‘barbed wire’.
This, because the husband fails to realise that his wife too can be stressed; while he expects to use some serious pink elephants to ease his stress, the wife expects him to first ease her stress before she can be of any help to him in bed… And that is where the stalemate comes from.
In the middle of your busy schedule, pause and ‘make the bed’ you plan to lie in later; communicate, share, be affectionate.
The same goes for the wife who wants her husband sexually, but expects him to just switch on the charm after she has spent days being nasty, abusive and nagging to him…
Back of the hand, please.