I have been married for 10 years and we have three children. I am in my late 30s. I have lost all interest in sex. I am also very busy. Although my husband has not shown any discontent, I know that men usually love sex. My question is, can a couple live together for life without having sex? I know that my husband might stray and I do not care. However, will our marriage survive or should we end it?
EXPERT OPINION by Clemence Byomuhangi
Seek medical, sexual and psychological counseling
Dear Jean Dorah,
Love and sex are an integral part of marriage. Good sex contributes to the general wellbeing of a couple. Above all, sex provides a sense of intimacy and commitment. Loss of sexual desire is one of the reasons marriages break down.
If a couple is aware of the possible cause of the lack of sexual desire and is interested in the relationship, they can devote time and energy to restore it. For instance, people who get spinal injuries sometimes lose their sexual desire.
Couples with such challenges can remain committed in marriage without having penetrative sex because there are other ways of satisfying sexual desires. It has been noted that inhibited sexual desire is a common problem couples face today.
The primary reason is that one never had sexual desire at the beginning of marriage and secondly, that one began enjoying sex normally and later became disinterested. It may be useful to consider under which of the categories you fall.
Studies have shown that women in your age bracket and those who have had children tend to lose their sexual drive with time. You mention that you are very busy, which can lead to stress.
Stress is one of the factors that wrecks libido as it brings about imbalance in hormones such as the poor production of testosterone, which regulates mood, energy and libido.
Take note of the following to find out whether they have interfered with your sexual drive:
- conflicts, poor communication
- controlling attitudes
- lack of emotional connection
- thinking negatively
- financial stress
- peer pressure
- influence of media images of sexuality
- medications or
- the poor sexual performance of your spouse.
If so, seek medical and one-on-one psychological and sexual counseling.
Do you know why you left your father’s home and got married? The reasons are many, including having sex. A marriage cannot survive without sex. If your husband does not complain, keep it in mind that he is having an intimate affair with someone else. If you want to save your marriage, find ways of enjoying sex.
Have you consulted a doctor? I think you have an infection, which needs immediate medical attention. A marriage can survive without sex depending on the way you communicate and understand each other. Seek professional counseling.
Tina, Arua: Spare time to communicate with him
I commend you for sharing your problem because I have come across women in similar situations, who are too embarrassed to seek help. For a growing number of women, declining hormones, job stress, relationship issues and other problems are taking their toll in the bedroom. Unlike men’s main sexual complaint, erectile dysfunction, a woman’s biggest sexual problem is caused by a combination of both mental and physical factors.
Marriage, like any other relationship, is bound to have problems, but the way you resolve them matters. Marital satisfaction is influenced greatly by communication. Do you and your husband communicate freely?
Poor communication has been noted to be one of the most common factors leading to marriage breakdown.
Evaluate your relationship and try to find out whether there is something that can be done better to improve it. Yes, it is possible for a couple to live together without having sex. For instance, you can give each other massages, kiss and hug, among other things.
Sparing time out of your busy schedule to effectively communicate your concerns and finding ways of resolving the conflicts by striking a win-win solution are some of the other ways to cement a relationship. Should you fail to reach an agreement, see a professional counselor.
I have never come across a marriage, which has survived without sex. Sex creates a bond between a couple. If you decline to have sex with your husband, you will push him to cheat and the end result might not favour you. For the sake of your children, think of the positive things your husband has done in order to rekindle your relationship. Also, seek God’s counsel to help you make a wise decision.
Are you using any family planning method? Some women lose interest in sex because of certain family planning methods. Since you have lost the desire for sex, file for divorce because your marriage will not survive without sex. Sex creates a bond between husband and wife and failure to have it implies that your marriage will collapse.
Have you cheated on your husband? Most couples lose the desire for sex after committing adultery. It seems you feel your husband is not good at sex. Some preachers say the best way married couples can praise God is through having sex. If you love your husband, seek professional counseling.