Forget the odd erection failure, falling asleep as the players approach the goalkeeper’s box, calling out the help’s name instead of your spouse’s, or even premature ejaculation.
I discard those quickly, because they happen privately and can be settled away from the fascinated ears and dancing eyes of the world. But there are those ‘ouch!’ moments that inevitably spill out of the sanctity of your bedroom and into the public eye…
Waking up in hospital
It is no joke when they say sex can land you in the ER. We are in the era of trying everything at our disposal to try and improve our sex lives and marriages, because the downward trends are worrying. That is where performance-enhancing pills Viagra come in.
Sharon, 22, (not real name) married a man 25 years her senior and in a moment of insecurity as the wedding day drew nearer, the husband-to-be stocked up on the famous blue pills to try and impress his young bride. She had kept the fact that she was a virgin a surprise for their wedding night, and as you can imagine, her sweetheart turned up to consummate their marriage huffing and puffing like a raging bull.
After his unnecessarily over-the-top prolonged performance, she had to spend the rest of the weekend recuperating in hospital. Yes, in this our Uganda. I wonder what the sputtering mister told the doctor was wrong with his wife. Ahem.
Doctors say other couples turn up in the middle of the night because they tried something new or adventurous, and someone broke their back or almost suffered a heart attack. Hmm… I guess some positions and things married people do to each other during sex need to come with a user’s manual or health warning!
She breaks ‘it’
The woman-on-top position is said to be the best one for wives to achieve their orgasm because they are in charge, and as such it is quite popular where a couple has no inhibitions. That aside, in many marriages it may be the only time a wife feels truly in control.
Well, now a new study carried out in Brazil and published in Advances in Urology, says this ‘cowgirl’ position is responsible for 50% of all penile injuries during sex. She can basically ‘break’ it in a moment of excitement.
“Researchers hypothesize that a man is prohibited from quickly stopping a painful movement when a woman has her entire body weight on his erect penis,” the study notes.
And according to the study, a delayed search for medical assistance can lead to impairment of sexual functions. Well, unless your background music is Eddy Kenzo’s Sitya Loss, the researchers advise you to stick to the safest missionary position.
However, the study even then, found that 21 per cent of all penile fractures reported to the three participating hospitals arose from the missionary (man on top) position. And that, anyway, these injuries are extremely rare.
So yeah; turn that Kenzo volume up.
You die. On duty
Ask that former African president who died ‘on duty’. Shame, he was reportedly not with his wife; what a way to bow out of power!
But yes, if you insist on not taking care of your health details and lifestyle choices, just remember sex does kill. HIV and other infections aside, if your heart is not strong enough, the exertion can give you a heart attack.
While making love is great exercise too, it benefits a lot from keeping your fitness level up outside the bedroom as well. Otherwise, the day your spouse comes home with a brilliant idea for you to try out together later, you may not even make it to the ER – God forbid.
Put more activity into your life; a sedentary lifestyle only occasionally woken up by lovemaking can prove to be too much on a heart.
Well, just saying…